that guy on the train

The loaded system

2011-04-17T20:32:00.000-07:00

according to me, there's a hierarchy of who's got what. the better looking you are, the more opportunities you have. there's a hierarchy from

1) Bars/Clubs
2) Coworkers/Friends
3) School
4) Online dating paid
5) Online dating free
6) Craigslist

the higher up on the list you are, the more opportunities you have. As a clubber or frequenter of bars, you have the social ability (usually) to interact with the kind of person you're looking for. One of the unfortunate truths though, is the fact that in a group of people, there's always the one who doesn't get hit on and makes it a point to make sure that they are "watching out for their friends." We shall affectionately refer to them as cockblockers or clamjammers.

Meeting dates through co-workers or friends are almost a bad idea. If for some reason, you don't like each other, you may ruin a perfectly good working relationship with tension. The next option with more options would be meeting someone at school... The problem with that is that there's a time and place for everything and when you're in school, priorities are different from lets say three years down the line.

So what's a boy or girl to do if they are sick of the bar scene or meeting the wrong kind of people? Turn to the internet! Surely it will be better and you'll meet more people right? Kinda. The thing with internet dating is that everyone seems to claim that they are new to it and they are looking for something different. What that really means though is that they're going to say that they are looking for something new but really they aren't.

Here's the thing dating websites are a new game. Instead of approaching someone and saying hi and possibly getting blown off, you have to step up your E-Game and figure out a new way to approach women (or men or both). Not only that, you have to convey the message in such a way that keeps the interest of the intended party. Internet dating is quite possibly the last bastion of hope for the disillusioned lonely heart. I would like to hope that women read the well thought out letters that men might write (there are some) but to be honest, just like men, they would probably look at pictures and ignore the message in its entirety, but such is life.

I'm not saying that its wrong or anything of that sort. The male to female ratio when it comes to online dating is probably 10:1. Add to that, the quality of men or women may be sub-standard. Remember that Clam Jammer or Cock Blocker from the bar? Guess what? They have full reign of the meat market... which is essentially what the dating sites are. These people who normally wouldn't receive an audience now have 10 million guys looking to hook up with them. What makes things worse is the fact that any decent looking woman will inevitably receive at least 20 messages a day and it must progressively get worse as the marked attractiveness increases.

You might say that it isn't a big deal, but men's confidence increases when the chance of rejection is decreased. Behind the keyboard, the same mass message can be copied, pasted, then sent out to as many recipients as the heart desires.

the end result is that moderately attractive to not so attractive at all women are accosted by men with an inflated level of self confidence, thus giving women, who may be on the same level of physical attractiveness an inflated sense of power and selectiveness that they normally wouldn't have, lets say in a bar or club setting. It all sounds great in theory, because those who might not have competitiveness in the fish market now do -- but what it does is perpetuate the same power structure that women often complain about, since date selection still is reliant on looks or attributes that women find attractive that gets them in trouble in the first place.

girl meets boy
girl is devastated by boy
girl goes online thinking, I'm sick of meeting the same type of men
girl has plenty of men to choose from
girl picks the same type of boy she normally goes for
but this time it will be different, its not
girl complains
rinse, repeat and recycle.

Feel free to substitute girl for boy, boy for girl or whatever fits your preference.

I still think there's something about meeting someone in person, picking up a conversation with them, and going out and finding out about them. It seems more personal to me. The fact that we've all gone to the internet or texting as a form of communication and meeting people is kind of sad, but I guess that's how it goes.

deciding to take action.

2011-04-09T17:38:00.000-07:00

Life is full of clichés and the thing about us, is the fact that we do what we are most familiar and comfortable with. There are those who do and those who don't. It's not just that simple though, there are varying degrees of the do's and don'ts. For example, those who do enough, those who don't do anything at all... but it's never just one or the other. Through a lot of introspection, I realized that the problem was myself. Girls used to approach me all the time and I never really did anything about it and I was comfortable with it being the way it was. We are all afraid of rejection and I realized that nothing would happen if I sat around with idle thumbs.

Conversations are easy. Even with super attractive women. I did it all the time behind the comfort of my old desk, but somehow without a desk separating me from the ladies, I couldn't muster up the confidence to talk to women.

and then I realized what the secret was. You've got to stop caring... and I did just that. You know that old drunk guy on the bus that just strikes up a conversation with you? Well I became his apprentice. I made it a goal to strike up a conversation with at least one person on the ride home each day. The logic behind it is that it is much harder to pick up on women, without the aid of good 'ole liquid courage. Alcohol does funny things to us and I think that it takes more effort and skills practice to talk to someone without being drunk.

I hope the people I talked to weren't too put off by me. But hey, they could have just moved seats... it's no better or worse than getting shot down at a bar!

something long overdue

2011-04-09T17:17:00.000-07:00

About six months ago, I moved back to the Bay Area after spending two years in Southern California. I had to get used to two things, a two hour commute on the train and not being able to sing from the top of my lungs during said ride.

I generally have no complaints and if I wake up in the morning, I'm happy to be alive. Things could be worse. I turned 30 at the end of last year and there was one thing that still kept nagging me. Being perpetually single. I've always been the goto when it comes to dating advice (kind of funny, advice from the single guy) but I think it has always been a little bit more of my situational awareness when it comes to interpreting people's actions.

I spent a lot of time during my twenties, thinking about why people do the things they do and came across a lot of similarities among people. Several people have encouraged me to write a book about these things, but two things came to mind. I'm a horrible writer and I procrastinate. I figure this is the closest we'll get to it for the time being.

You might see a flood of posts from material that I've mulled over in the past rather quickly and you might see dry spells. shoot me an email to keep me motivated!